A Guide to Getting Divorced Abroad

What I Wish I'd Known Before Moving Abroad for Love

Getting divorced is hard. Getting divorced in a foreign country? That's a whole different level of complexity. After navigating my divorce in Germany as an American expat, here are the 7 things I desperately wish someone had told me before I started the process.

1. Keep Your Own Money

Here's what I wish someone told me at the start of my living abroad adventure: Keep your own money.

I had a part-time job making €1,000 a month, and I used that to buy groceries for the family. Big fucking mistake. I left the marriage with zero savings. I made a leap that scared the literal shit out of me and barely survived.

Think about this now: What if the marriage/relationship doesn't work? Am I financially safe without this person?

It is counterintuitive to think this way when you're deeply in love and romanticizing every street-corner of your new environment, but financial autonomy is the one thing I would go back and change.

2. Hire a Lawyer

Hire a lawyer, no matter what. My husband insisted we could settle our marriage of 15 years amicably between us. It took me a year of hand wringing, being manipulated over the tiniest agreement, and eventual burnout to say: NO. I am hiring a lawyer.

3. Use the System

In the USA, accepting help from the government is frowned upon but ignore that nagging thought and use it.

I was stupid and did not collect Arbeitslosengeld (unemployment benefits) the first year that I was eligible for it because of course the year my divorce went through, I also lost that precious 1K a month job.

I felt so guilty for collecting money from my husband that I could not bring myself to also collect money from the state. Big mistake. The social structures are in place for times like these. Use it. Especially if you are a woman, a foreigner and a mom.

4. Use the Tools at Your Disposal

This was 2019, before AI. If I'd had ChatGPT or Claude back then, I could have asked all my "dumb" questions anonymously. Now you have these tools. Use them.

Use AI tools for your anonymous questions, your fears, your planning. They're not a replacement for human connection, but they're a hell of a safety net.

5. Apply for Permanent Residency

If you're on a spousal visa and eligible to apply for permanent residence (usually after 3-5 years depending on your situation), do it as soon as possible. Don't wait. Having that permanent status before divorce gives you one less thing to worry about when shit hits the fan.

6. You Can't Move Your Kids Without the Other Parent's Permission

Moving a child internationally without the other parent's permission violates the Hague Convention on child abduction. Don't do it.

Next year at 14, my daughter gets legal say in custody arrangements in Germany. If I wanted to move internationally with her, I'd have three options:

1. Fight for full custody (lawyers, court, judges)
2. Give him full custody and leave without her
3. Negotiate every detail out of court, which requires painstakingly good communication that most divorced couples don't have.

7. You Will Be in Fight-Flight-Freeze Mode Longer Than You Think

I was in constant overwhelm—diarrhea for 16 months, losing weight, unable to comprehend all the details. Even in fight-flight-freeze mode, I discovered how fucking powerful I am.

The lesson: Give yourself grace. The physical and emotional toll is real. It will last longer than you expect. But you WILL survive it.

The Visa Situation

In Germany, if you've been married for at least three years and you're on a spousal visa, you can apply for an independent residence permit (Section 31 AufenthG) that extends your stay for one year after divorce.

This gives you time to apply for a different type of visa based on work, permanent residence, whatever fits. I advise hiring a lawyer for this.

I married in Germany, which made the visa process straightforward. After about five years of marriage, I qualified for and received a Niederlassungserlaubnis (permanent residence permit), an unlimited work permit that means I can stay in Germany indefinitely.

As soon as I was eligible for a German passport, I applied. There is no world where I want to be separated from my daughter. Plus that added benefit that now I can work and live anywhere in the EU is priceless.

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The Children Paradox

Last year I was interviewing for a job in Portugal I thought was in the bag. I told my daughter I might be moving.

"Do you want to come?" (We surf in Portugal together every summer; she loves it.) She said (in German): "I'm so happy for you, but no. I'm staying here in Bremen with my friends."

My daughter speaks only German to me. She is German, although she holds both passports.

Here's the complicated truth: I'm anchored to Bremen by gendered expectations and my daughter's needs, AND I have been applying to jobs in Portugal, Spain and the USA for about a year now. Being a mother in an environment that does not match is a messy place to be.

This is how I do ‘messy’ without drugs, alcohol or any addictive behavior: I lead women's circles. I travel. I wrote a musical, over 300 poems, created a podcast. I paint, dance, lift weights. I rely heavily on art and movement to tunnel through the rubble.

When I'm sad, I tell my daughter what's going on but keep the responsibility on my shoulders: "This is how mommy feels. Mommy has friends to talk to and is doing what she can to help herself, but sometimes the feelings are so big that I feel my sadness deeply, and I am sure you can feel it too…’’

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The Money Fire

Money is where you will enter the hellfire of "WHAT IS IT THAT I TRULY WANT?" You will keep getting burned until you figure it out, because when you find it... the fire feels good.

The fire feels purifying. The fire brings you to the core of yourself.

After the divorce, I sent my ex-husband Excel sheets of all the ideas I had for how I could make money. That is how gendered our marriage was. He insisted I teach English and was always pissed off at me for not doing this obvious thing.

I wrote grants to make my art.

I started a business with a guy I met on Tinder. We won a grant from a local startup bank, but when our relationship didn't work and he started acting violently toward me, I wanted to stop the business. He got scared, patented the idea, and started selling my product idea without me. I ended up in the hospital due to the stress.

I got certified as a Scrum Master and started working remotely for software development companies. I went from working with human bodies on stage to human minds on a screen.

I was depressed. I was writing poetry at the time and made a podcast about my poems.

Through that podcast, I got the job I currently hold: Head of Audio at the Bremen newspaper publishing house, developing podcasts and coaching podcast hosts. I also coach women on finding and using their authentic voice.

After one year as Head of Audio, I am applying for a master's in theater directing at the University of California. This is what I want. Radical as it sounds: I am doing this for pure pleasure. I want to live on the ocean I want to work in the Theatre. I am finally going after something I want, not something I'm supposed to want.

That's what the money fire will do.

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Resources That Actually Help

Find other divorced immigrant women. Wherever they are, whatever country they come from, someone else has been through what you're going through.

Friends who look at you with understanding in their eyes, not judgment. Keep those people in your life.

Use available services. In Germany, there are social services that can give you free counseling and support. I used the Freie Hansestadt Bremen Amt für Soziale Dienste Beratungsstelle für Kinder, Jugendliche as much as I could.

Therapy. Get it. Any kind. As much as you can.

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Living in the Wrong Place

The realization that "this country was never my choice" came gradually. A coach said to me during a discovery call: "I'm sensing the strong intuition that Bremen is not the right place for you."

I was shocked. The thought had never crossed my mind. Two weeks later, a friend told me she had a dream about me in Portugal.

So I took my next vacation in Portugal, Sintra and Cascais, specifically. Viscerally, my body knew where I was: Home. I smelled the same eucalyptus trees from my grandparents' place in Fresno, California. I started surfing again. I felt happy and free in the sights, smells, and wonders around me.

Portugal was full of color and life compared to dark, gray northern Germany. Portugal reminded me of who I am and where I come from.

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What I Want You to Know

When I ended the marriage, I was stable: Winning grants, working at the Shakespeare company, feeling safe in my friendships & even in my marriage. That safety allowed me to understand my desperate (I believe ancestral) need to expand.

After separation, all anchors became dust. I am still building. This time, the foundation is me.

If you're scared to leave because it's a foreign country, because you don't know the language, because you're tied by custody or visas or fear—be smart. Write down what you need. Get realistic about it, but do not let that stop you from leaving a relationship if you want to leave.

What surprises me most about being divorced abroad is this: if you want something, you can eventually find a way to do it. Even though there's language to fish through, even though there are cultural differences and legal differences, even if you have zero funds, there is a way to do anything.

If you know what you want (divorce, freedom, yourself) and you do it step by step, the path eventually reveals itself. You can find support. You can find someone who has been in your shoes. You can find the money. You can get what you want.

You will discover how powerful you are. You will learn you can solve problems you think are WAY too hard for you. You will find your voice.

It's a high price to pay. But the ROI is your own fucking life.